CrossFit and the Genesis of My Procrastination

The "I AM CrossFit EPOC" challenge ended on Saturday, March 6. I was actually really sad it was over, because I really liked the feeling of working toward something bigger and more all-encompassing than, say, just a marathon or a triathlon. And I absolutely loved having a team to do it with. The latter was especially important. I mean, that I looked and felt better as a result of the extra workouts and changes to diet was great motivation, but the fact that I couldn't let up and risk letting my team down was just as motivating, if not more so. I also learned, or really, confirmed, something else about myself: without a definite goal--an immovable, inflexible, unavoidable moment that MUST occur and for which there are no excuses for lack of preparation --without that goal, I'll simply dream instead of doing, vowing to "start tomorrow morning". Why? Because I am a world class procrastinator.

But I didn't used to be. I'm a great planner. I can make a project plan to rival anyone. I can map out my day in 15 minute increments and, if I were to actually execute, get two days' work done in a day or less. Seriously. I'm THAT talented. But something changed, and what it boils down to is I'm suffering from massive career burn out, and I really think it's begining to affect a lot of other areas of my life. (That was surprisingly hard to admit, by the way.)

See, I was a very solid academic performer in high school, college and graduate school. I did my homework, finished projects early, read the books and only ever used Cliffs Notes to supplement my understanding of what I read. I could do all of this, because I knew that there was an end point, and little sub-end points in between. Elementary school ends, junior high begins. Junior high ends, high school begins. High school ends, college begins. College ends, grad school begins. Grad school ends, LIFE BEGINS!

And life consists of staring at a computer all day. Yes, it pays the bills. Yes, I'm good at what I do. But when I was little, I dreamed of...well, being a princess, which hasn't worked out. But I damn sure didn't dream of writing sentences such as this one: "Our firm’s review of the policy for purposes of this project corroborates this data, and leads to the further conclusion that the difficulty in following and understanding the policy is at least partially attributable to the order in which topics are presented, and the document’s heavy emphasis on procedural detail over substantive, policy-specific content."

Oh my God! Are you even still awake? I had to take a nap after writing that sentence, it was so boring! All of that self-important corporate-speak to say this, "You dumbasses wrote a how-to guide, which no one reads because the order you present stuff in is moronic and it's boring as hell, and no one really cares about HOW you're going to do stuff, they just want to know if they're going to have to pay taxes or not."

Nope, I figured that if I were going to write sentences, they would be between book covers and sell a zillion copies. Or they'd be sentences scribbled on someone's medical chart between my surgeries to fix torn ACLs. Or they'd appear in Vogue as quotes describing the inspiration for my spring haute couture collection. I never thought I'd be the desk jockey responsible for the phrase "heavy emphasis on procedural detail over substantive, policy-specific content."

I'm rambling. The point is that the things I learned--or really re-learned--from the "I AM" challenge are that I love activity, moving around, breaking through barriers, seeing others succeed, being passionate, doing what before seemed totally impossible, being excited for the next chance to test myself, and having a bunch of people around me who feel the same way. It's what being alive is all about. It's what I looked forward to at the end of my academic journey. And it's what my desk job doesn't provide, at least not very damn often. And when your dreams don't align with what you're doing eight or ten or sometimes 15 hours a day, it drains you of your spunk. And when that happens AND there's no end in sight, it makes surfing the "Go Fug Yourself" website, or doing the crossword, or staring out the window, or even cleaning the toilet, a hundred times more desirable than taking 30 seconds to answer an email.

So, I've become a world class procrastinator. But I understand, I'm not a victim, even though I'm really slapping on the whininess (is that a word?) VERY thick. I have all the tools at my disposal to make a change. The question is, what and/or how am I willing to change? Is it just an attitude change? Do I make a life change and go do something else? I don't know yet.

Ask me tomorrow.